So in this video I would know we'd like to explore with you.
How would is that trust and boundaries work together or don't work together.
I've mentioned up until now that the quality of our alliance is going to be determined by the quality
of the relationships that we have and the quality and the caliber and the depth of the relationships
that we have is going to be determined by how much trust is in those relationships.
How much trust is in those relationships is going to determine how much we're able to ultimately influence
people.
This is the key.
This is the important idea.
The one that we want to get our heads around as coaches or helpers or managers or leaders or whatever
role you're operating in parents whatever the amount of trust that's in a relationship is going to determine
how much we are going to be able to influence people.
OK.
So take note of that when my friend and I want to have a look at trust from a couple of different angles
here.
Right.
First things first.
And this is the trust equation.
All right.
I've been getting really creative here on a PowerPoint.
All right.
Well what are the kits and how it is that we or the attitude or the approach that most of us take towards
every single relationship that we have.
And it's not like we're even operating out of this approach or the certitude on a conscious level.
Most of us is just kind of unconscious.
Are we just evaluating every single person that we come into contact with every single person that we
interact with.
Pretty much all the time in asking the question Can I trust you and if so what can I trust you for.
I mean.
OK.
It is one thing saying yes I trust you.
But then it's something else.
Saying what can I trust you for.
All right.
So let's have a look at this trust equation and see if we can just walk out and establish for ourselves
how it is.
That's.
And we are being evaluated and assessed all of the time.
Now you want to get your head round this as a life coach or as an aspiring life coach because every
single client who comes through your door will be a value waiting and assessing you.
They will be see and will be asking not just how can I trust you are or can I trust you but what can
I trust you for.
So the first question they're gonna be asking is are you credible Are you credible.
What is credibility.
Credibility.
And kind of ties in with competency just a little bit and certified perhaps maybe maybe not.
When it comes to me looking for for professional for example say I'm looking for a web designer or a
web developer or you know as an entrepreneur.
Right.
If I'm looking for a social media manager or if I'm looking for a graphic designer.
All right I'm going to be straight with you.
I could not care less how satisfied another person is.
All right what I'm going to be looking at is their credibility.
I'm not going to be looking at what they say they can do.
I'm not interested.
I don't care how many bits of paper they have to the name.
What I'm looking for are case studies I'm looking for proofs that this person is able to do what they
claim to be able to do and how I'm going to assess this as by looking at past people.
They've got results with a right is a person credible.
All right.
I'm only credible.
Well how are you going to work.
Are you credible when you become a life coach.
How is it that other people are going to know whether you're credible or not.
You can have all the certificates under under the sun if you want to.
But if you do not have case studies if you do not have any success stories then you know how are you
going to tick this box for another person.
Are you credible.
First and foremost this is about separating the talkers from the doers.
I mean how many people do you know talk a better game than they play and think about what happens to
trust when a person comes into your life and they say yeah yeah yeah I can do this I can do that I can
do the next thing I am competent in this I am certified in that.
And when it comes to actually delivering the goods that just don't show up.
All right.
Just in there they just ain't cutting the biscuits.
You know what I mean low effort.
If a person doesn't get past credibility stage we ain't going to go no further.
And the relationship with them and what's true for us is going to be true for our clients who are evaluating
us.
Are you reliable Are you reliable.
No.
First things first.
If a client does not see you as credible then you're not even gonna reach this stage in their evaluation
process.
Are you reliable.
They're going to be looking up are you consistent.
Are you delivering what you claim to be able to deliver.
Right.
Are you actually and being the kind of person for me that you're making yourself you make yourself out
to be able to be are you are actually helping me to grow an awareness of myself.
Are you an able in me to feel like I'm starting to make progress to move forward.
Are you actually helping me about structure order in my life.
Are you helping me to understand myself more effectively and if not then my friend you're full of it.
All right.
Are you reliable Are you able to deliver the goods.
Can you do what you say you're able to do consistently.
All right.
And this is where the consistency comes in is one thing having a good week one week.
But then if you have not so good then next week.
Well I guess that makes you kind of unreliable.
Then think about what it is that would result in a husband and wife of 20 years getting divorced.
Right.
It's not that when a lot of women get together and they look into each other's eyes and say I love you
and you love me and let's get together and get married how babies or this kind of stuff let's do life
together.
Right.
They've come and have arrived at some level of trust they've developed a level of intimacy.
And then as our marriage progresses what sometimes happens is people get comfortable and perhaps in
the early stages of a relationship when two people first met are making lots of effort the dress and
really well they're doing the best present themselves well to each other then over time they start taking
each other for granted and then start making the effort that perhaps once did at the start.
And then over further time a few more years when Paris the stars begrudge in the next Paris and say
My goodness I actually rely on you to make an effort for me here.
I don't think I can trust you and if I can't trust you to make an area I'll make an effort in this area
then how could I trust you to make an effort in this area or in this area or in this area.
When people separate in life when business partners decide to go separate ways it's always a reliability
thing is because two parties are no longer convinced of what each other are able to trust each other
for.
Are you with me.
Reliability is crucial.
No.
We're also looking at as a level of intimacy.
All right intimacy I E M how confident I am in you.
To share of myself with you.
This is kind of about boundaries all right.
No.
And when it comes to sharing of myself when it comes to really being myself in that last video I talked
about boundaries not about you know being in place to keep people out.
Many people do though.
We'll see.
They'll see boundaries kind of like being defense mechanisms as defined by Anna Freud Sigmund Freud
daughter back in the 1920s.
That's not true.
That's not the case when you come across people who are just being defensive are closed or that's closed.
All right.
Remember and the standard if we want to work with clients going to be evaluating and getting clear how
open they are how receptive they are how appreciative they are.
All this kind of stuff.
So we know that if a client is not open if they're not given anything then it may be the case they've
just come to us hoping that we are going to fix them or we're going to heal them or we're gonna make
their life just work out well for them.
So we've got to be aware of this but in time as long as the foundations of healthy relationships are
in place as long as we're operating from the pillars we have the unconditional acceptance in place we
are unconditionally accepting them we're and we're honoring them we're being fully responsible for ourselves.
We're demonstrating them that it's okay to trust us with more of them selves.
All right.
Trust isn't one of these things that can be just naively expected in life right above governance cowardice
before in the past.
So the situation but I find myself in in life get bombarded most weeks with hundreds and hundreds of
emails people saying okay you know you want to go into business with you I've got this business proposal
you know I just feel that we relate and connect so well I think we should be friends.
It's just fantastic.
But I don't know you and I don't trust you therefore giving you my time would be completely unwise.
Understanding that most people have agendas is kind of like those levels and stages of relationship
and picture.
Picture a high rise building.
All right.
So trust intimacy is kind of like the penthouse apartment.
So many people look at relationships i.e. I'm going to connect with you and I want you to trust me right
away.
So they want to go from the ground floor get the elevator and just right in it's place of trust you
can trust me.
Let us be friends.
Let us be partners let us be this.
Let us be that let us connect share you share of yourself with me.
You can trust me you know that kind of stuff.
But when we trust people this readily I'm gonna suggest that this is a it's a really unwise move right.
Because we're just setting ourselves up for rejection for failure for judgment especially if another
person is mature enough to handle who we are.
So boundaries is about keeping ourselves sane.
It's not about keeping people out.
It's about keeping ourselves sane and just giving other people little snippets of who we are if we tell
the truth.
If we confront a person's nonsense i.e. a selfish agenda something like this and then they get all offended
get all upset get angry or that kind of stuff than what they've shown us is that we actually can't trust
them for much more than this at this stage at the stage.
Not forever.
It's just that they're where they're they're right on their journey of personal growth and development
and advancement all saw.
So once this other person then shows us that they can be trusted with more of us then we freely give
it may.
Sometimes two people can get together that can connect and build a strong intimate meaningful relationship.
And there's few I I've got one of the business partners we just connected we're pretty much is very
very similar in age very similar in terms of life experience.
When we first met were connected were hit off right away and we've never looked back.
Twitter has whereas I have other people in my life that I've known for years.
Some people decades and I'll still keep them at arm's length not holding them.
All right.
In terms of how much I freely give of myself.
Well I'm not going to share that much with them because I know that they still operate from a place
of assumption and judgment and I saw things so of course and I'm gonna be open and honest with myself.
Why because I know that their goal isn't to unconditionally accept me or understand me.
All right.
They haven't yet reached that level of maturity yet.
All right.
So intimacy is all about trust.
And I will grow an intimacy with you.
When you show me what it is that I can trust you for if you show me that you are unconditionally accepting
of me over.
Over time then of course I wouldn't have a problem giving you more or more of me.
But if you're just willing to assume the worst.
Every time I say or do something imperfect then none none none none that you get none of me none of
me whatsoever.
In fact you can just keep your assumptions and your opinions I'm talking first Paris in here.
All right.
But think about how this might apply in the context of your own life.
There's gonna be some people that you are intimate with some people that you can trust.
And there's this reason why.
Because over a process of time they will have proven to you that they are consistently unconditionally
accepting of you when you know that a person is for you and not against you when you know that a person
wants more to understand you than judge you.
Then of course it's easy to open up with people like this.
So all right what do you think your clients are going to be seriously wanting or needing or hoping for
when they come to you for coaching.
They're certainly not coming for advice.
They're certainly not come in for opinions.
They're certainly not coming to be judged because of something negative or destructive or mean or whatever
that they've done in the past.
All right.
The level of intimacy inside of the relationship is going to be determined between them and you how
much they feel they can trust you.
If a client is not opening up.
All right.
Those two two are issues we can take towards this.
We can see that person's just closed or we can point the finger a little bit closer to home and see
how my being for this person.
How is it this other person might be receiving me.
Yeah that's one thing harbored healthy boundaries in place.
But then as something else being closed to a person.
All right and life coaching is all about this healthy balance where I guess kind of like a dance and
I've mentioned this once or twice through the course where we might give a little bit of ourselves and
we just gauge to see what sort of response we get if a person flies off the handle when we can see they
aren't mature enough to handle that.
Which is true for them.
Then we've got to decide whether we want to keep on working with them.
If we give a person a little bit of truth or insight or share an idea and I must massively appreciative
and you can see between this week and next week they're just going to make some shifts and some changes
then of course we want to invest more into this person.
So look at this no self orientation.
All right.
If you can picture this little equation here kind of like a seesaw right all the time and the coaching
relationship is is one of self orientation and self adjustment.
Right.
What we want to be doing is we don't want to be exactly the same person for this of the person all of
the time.
We want to be ready to adapt and adjust and modify ourselves for them when appropriate talking on quite
a deep level no.
All right for us to even cover this in the practitioner course.
So this is where our clients are coming to ask they're asking the question Can I trust you if we can
see that a client is closed.
All right then what we perhaps might just need to be is more reliable for them.
We just got to practice continue to practice the core conditions and Aaron Aaron trust when a person
says you can trust me you can trust me none none.
Trust is not and cannot be freely expected or just freely given unconditionally.
Trust must be earned over time.
Trust is earned over time when one person can identify that another person is consistent consistent
in what I hear you ask
consistent in all of this stuff.
Are you with me.
All right.
So granted we could define ourselves as being we are loving we're honoring we as we you know we are
practicing self-control we are responsible truthful faithful visionaries.
But if a is not experiencing all of this in us then we most likely are going to influence them to change
and move in this direction also.
So the trust equation.
Are you credible Are you reliable.
Plus the level of intimacy is going to determine whether a client can ultimately trust you or not.
And just to close this video just to just to rub the side of this is an idea that we can apply it to
all of our relationships and might be the case that you haven't yet started coaching you don't have
any clients so have a look at a relationship you have with someone but it's just not where you wanted
to be.
You can feel there's a bit of a void a little bit of disconnect.
All right.
And this isn't about you asking them for feedback on you it's about you reflecting and honestly critiquing
yourself.
All right.
Is this person finding you as a credible human being.
What can they actually rely on you for.
Because they feel that they can rely on you for is gonna be determined by what you've shown them.
You can be relied upon for and that alone will determine the level of intimacy if you can see that a
relationship isn't what you want it to be.
We can hope and wait for them to change or you can adapt and adjust yourself.
What's left for you to establish then is how right now five steps for this.
I mentioned at the start of the section of the course I'm talking here principles.
All right principles the foundations that we can build and base our relationships upon how we each work
these principles in our lives is determined by each of us in context.
Here with me.
So this might leave you with more questions than answers but this is the part and a crucial aspect of
human growth figuring out how these principles actually apply in the context of our day to day lives.